It's Picture Day in Tortall!
by Insane Kitten
Summary: It's picture day and it might not be pretty. I mean, school pictures always turn out horrible right? But just imagine how they'll turn out for the Tortall characters! *Evil giggles* *Chapter 8 up*
1. Quiet Coyote!

OK! Before I start with the funny, I am going to give you some background. Here goes. Melon rind. No, that's not it. *Digs through pocket* Anchor, no. Mermaid, nope. *Continues to dig around until she pulls out a huge list of stuff* Great! I found it! All of the Tortall peoples are getting their pictures taken for picture day! At some obscured school! Yey! Oh, and I'm going to randomly be in this as well, just because I eat radishes! But that's OK!  
  
~*~  
  
Disclaimer: CORNMUFFINS! *Can-can's off the stage where it is tackled by some random stage crew member*  
  
Stage Crew Member: Sorry, you got Maddy's lines. *Maddy runs up and tackles the stage crew guy*  
  
Maddy: Wheeeeeee!  
  
Disclaimer: *Shudders* It's the moron pit! Anyway...The characters belong to Tamora Pierce.  
  
~*~  
  
Everyone: Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah!  
  
Teacher: OK everybody, stop talking and say hi to the photographer who is going to be taking pictures of your lovely smiling faces today.  
  
Alanna: Die you fiendish squirrel!  
  
Photographer: Beg pardon?  
  
Teacher: *Holds up pinky finger and her pointer finger while touching her thumb to her middle and index fingers* Quite coyote, Alanna.  
  
Daine: What? The coyote should be able to say what it bloody damn wants!  
  
Photographer: Um...?  
  
Teacher: They aren't always like this.  
  
Cleon and Maddy: We are Barbie girls! In a Barbie world!  
  
Teacher: Come on now, everyone, your parents paid good money for these pictures so you have to let the nice photo man take them.  
  
Roger: Do I have parents? Because I'm not sure.  
  
Teacher: You're dead, therefore you have no need for parents. The black god wanted these pictures and he's your legal guardian. Besides you're to scary to have parents.  
  
Roger: Okey doke! *Roger flounces off happily*  
  
Daine: My parents are dead!  
  
Teacher: Ouna wanted pictures. And Numair.  
  
Kel: Damn it! None of my parents are dead!  
  
Teacher: Kel...  
  
Kel: I mean-Yey! None of my parents are dead.  
  
Teacher: Good. Any more issues?  
  
Maddy: I have issues!  
  
*Crickets chirp*  
  
Teacher: Whatever. Line up.  
  
*Numair steps up and sits on the stool*  
  
Photographer: Say cheese and smile for the camera!  
  
Numair: AHHHH! The camera is black!  
  
Photographer: Yeah...so?  
  
Numair: My magic is black! Black and black don't go together! It will clash horribly!  
  
Photographer: *Pulls out a gray camera* Better?  
  
Numair: NO! Gray is the color of armor! Armor symbolizes war! And war is badbad.  
  
Photographer: *Gets an orange camera* How about this?  
  
Numair: Nope! Roger's magic was orange and from what I've heard he wasn't a very nice person.  
  
Photographer: *Pulls out a white camera* Please say this is OK.  
  
Numair: Never wear white after Labor Day.  
  
Photographer: *Pull out the last camera in his bag, a Barbie Extreme Camera*  
  
Numair: Perfect! Cheese!  
  
*Photographer snaps picture*  
  
Teacher: Next in line!  
  
*Daine stumbles up, leading Cloud and Kitten*  
  
Photographer: Say cheese.  
  
Daine: Cheese gives Cloud gas.  
  
*Cloud grins, badly, as horses aren't supposed to grin*  
  
Kitten: CHIRP!  
  
Daine: I know he's a pudgy, hairy man but he's just a photographer.  
  
Photographer: Excuse me?  
  
Daine: You're excused, but maybe you should stay away from eating too much cheese also. *Holds nose*  
  
Photographer: Just smile so I can take the damned picture.  
  
Daine: AWWWW! You said the naughty word.  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Photographer: NEXT!  
  
Daine: What? I wasn't ready!  
  
*Teacher drags Daine away*  
  
*Kaddar walks up*  
  
Kaddar: Money and riches!  
  
*Photographer takes the photo*  
  
Numair: Goody two shoes.  
  
*Onua walks up and sits in the chair*  
  
Onua: HI! I'm ready! I'm ready! When are you going to take the photo? Because I'm ready! I'm ready-edy-edy-edy, ready! *Begins to dance*  
  
Photographer: Just sit down and say cheese.  
  
Onua: OK! Swiss, cheddar, provolone, American, Carthaki wonder, lim-  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Onua: -burger, Copper Island white, mozzarella...  
  
*Teacher drags Onua out of her chair and puts her in a corner where she continues to name different kinds of cheese*  
  
Photographer: Next! Next?  
  
~*~  
  
*Cackles insanely* Okey dokey! Did you like it? I'll do people from the Alanna series next, then Kel's series. I'll shove me getting my picture in there somewhere. I know you're probably wondering why I put myself in and the answer is: I HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA. OK? Please press the little blue-gray button down there and...no, that one! Good job! Review!  
  
Luv,  
  
LadyKnight 


	2. It is not social teatime!

It's Picture Day in Tortall! *Chapter Two*  
  
~*~  
  
Disclaimer: *Begins to froth* Chipmunk man!  
  
Random Stage Crew Guy: What the hell...?  
  
Disclaimer: *Nervous laughter* I mean, *cough* the character, except for me (Maddy) belongs to Tamora Pierce.  
  
~*~  
  
Photographer: Who's next?  
  
Alanna: *Jumping up and down* I know! I know! Call on me!  
  
Teacher: Alanna, you're next?  
  
Alanna: 47! The answer is 47!  
  
Teacher: No, the answer is you're next, so get on the chair.  
  
Neal: Ooooh! Lanna's busted.  
  
Alanna: Say that again and you'll wish you hadn't worn you fluffy bunny slippers to school today.  
  
Neal: NO! Not Flopsy and Mopsy! *Bursts into hysterical tears and hugs his feet*  
  
Cleon: You have bunny slippers? What a baby.  
  
Kel: Shut up, I know about your Blue's Clues slippers.  
  
Cleon: But nobody knows! Except...But she said she'd never tell!  
  
*Flashes to Maddy handing out flyers with pictures of Cleon wearing Blue's Clues slippers, holding a blanket, and sucking his thumb*  
  
Raoul: I just got the funniest flyer!  
  
Photographer: ANYWAY! Say cheese Alanna.  
  
Alanna: But cheese doesn't make me smile.  
  
Photographer: What makes you smile?  
  
Alanna: *Evil grins at Jon, George and Liam* Sex.  
  
*Everyone gasps*  
  
Teacher: *shocked* Alanna!  
  
Alanna: Why else would I do it so much?  
  
Liam: She's got a point.  
  
*George and Jon nod*  
  
Photographer: OK, say-sex.  
  
Alanna: *Huge smiles* Gender!  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Numair: I'm confused.  
  
Jon: What?  
  
Maddy: It's like a pun or something. *Randomly bursts into hysterical laughter*  
  
Photographer: Ne-  
  
*Maddy dissolves in giggles only to stop suddenly and calmly walk away*  
  
Photographer: Right. Who's next?  
  
Teacher: Jonathan. You're up.  
  
Jon: Ahem.  
  
Teacher: ExCUSE me. Highness Jonathan of Conte.  
  
Jon: Actually, I wanted Jon. But Highness is just as good.  
  
*Teacher sighs exasperatedly and shoves Jon onto the stool*  
  
Photographer: Smile.  
  
Jon: What? Where? *Looks around wildly*  
  
Photographer: No, I want YOU to smile!  
  
Jon: Huh? I don't get it? Is that some sort of sick joke?  
  
Photographer: Just smile!  
  
Jon: I don't understand.  
  
Photographer: *Sighs* Stretch your face so that your mouth is turned toward your eyes at both of the ends but is normal in the middle.  
  
Jon: OH! Why didn't you just say so? *Smiles widely*  
  
*Photographer snaps the photo*  
  
Teacher: George is next.  
  
*George swaggers forward holding an empty beer mug*  
  
Photographer: Say cheese or smile!  
  
George: *Extremely tipsy* Shmile? *Sways in the seat* Cheeshe?  
  
Photographer: Say whatever makes you smile so that I can collect my pay and leave this gods forsaken school!  
  
George: What makesh me happy? *Thinks* The name Shteve.  
  
Photographer: Steve?  
  
*George nods*  
  
Photographer: Whatever, say Steve.  
  
George: Why would I say Shteve?  
  
*Photographer tries to stab his eyes out with a thumbtack*  
  
*George faints*  
  
*Photographer cries*  
  
*Teacher turns the edges of George's mouth upwards so it looks like he's smiling*  
  
Teacher: Take the picture! Maybe he'll just think he was blinking.  
  
*Photographer clicks the little button and takes the picture*  
  
Teacher: Liam is next!  
  
*Liam floats over to the stool*  
  
Photographer: Say whatever makes ghosts smile.  
  
Liam: BOO!  
  
*Everyone screams and runs away*  
  
*Photographer comes back and takes the picture*  
  
Teacher: Roger, you're last!  
  
Roger: Why am I always last?  
  
Dom: Maybe because the name of your fief is Zchino.  
  
Roger: But the name of my fief was Conte.  
  
Dom: Oh. Well then I haven't the slightest idea! *Huge fan-girl smile*  
  
Roger: Moron.  
  
Teacher: It is not social teatime children!  
  
Maddy and Cleon: Damn it! *Cleon puts the teacups back into his pocket*  
  
Roger: If you don't respect me then I'm not getting my picture taken at all! *Starts to sob*  
  
Delia: I'll take it with you!  
  
Roger: *Immediately happy* OK!  
  
*Delia arranges herself on Roger's lap*  
  
Both: World domination!  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Maddy: *Bouncing around* I didn't know tea had this much sugar in it! Caffeine!  
  
Raoul: Tea doesn't have sugar.  
  
Teacher: Uh-oh.  
  
Photographer: NEXT!  
  
~*~  
  
Hope you liked it! Please review and I will be as happy as I could possibly be! Actually, that's a complete lie. But reviews still make me happy! Happy, happy, happy!  
  
Luv,  
  
LadyKnight 


	3. Everybody's special!

Disclaimer: *Runs around chanting about Goku* Wahoo! I'm a Sayain! I'm a big powerful Super Sayain!  
  
Random Stage Crew Guy: Oh no, he's finally lost it. *Tackles the Disclaimer*  
  
Dom: Well, I guess it's up to me! The charact-  
  
*Several crazed fan girls come rushing in*  
  
Fan girl 1: I got his shoe!  
  
Fan girl 2: I got his pants!  
  
Fan girl 3: I got his undies! Wait, why do they have pictures of Maggur Rathashusk with hearts around him?  
  
*Fan girls scream and run away*  
  
Dom: Hey they were on super sale!  
  
~*~  
  
Teacher: Neal, you're next.  
  
Neal: Why do I have to be first?  
  
Teacher: Because you're special.  
  
Alanna: NO! Nobody's special except for me!  
  
Teacher: Now, now. Everybody's special.  
  
Jon: Wait, doesn't that mean nobody's special.  
  
Photographer: You, boy! Just get up here!  
  
*Neal stomps flat-footed up to the stool*  
  
Photographer: Smile.  
  
*Neal smiles perfectly*  
  
*Photographer takes the photo*  
  
Numair: Um, dude. The cap is still on.  
  
*Photographer bashes his head against the wall*  
  
Maddy: *Leaping off of a desk* I'm a bird!  
  
Cleon: I though you were a Homo Sapiens.  
  
Maddy: What? *Drools*  
  
Cleon: You know, Homo Sapiens, a frog crossed with a large pineapple.  
  
Maddy: I knew that!  
  
Neal: I'm smiling here! Take the damn picture!  
  
*Photographer looks astonished at Neal's language but takes the picture none-the-less*  
  
Teacher: Kel is next.  
  
*Kel skips forward followed by Lalasa, wearing a huge backpack and banging to halves of a coconut shell together*  
  
Kel: I have come across this barren wasteland with only my horse as a companion!  
  
Daine: What horse?  
  
Kel: *Gestures at Lalasa's coconut husks* That horse. His name is Fluffy.  
  
*Cloud gallops by looking scared followed by Maddy and Cleon both dressed in loincloths and (in Maddy's case) a breastband, carrying spears made out of sticks and rocks*  
  
Maddy: Meat!  
  
Cleon: Foods!  
  
Daine: Ahhh! My horse!  
  
Cloud: *Whicker*  
  
Daine: Oh well. She never pulled her weight around here anyway.  
  
Photographer: Shouldn't those two be in some sort of school for "special people?"  
  
Teacher: I suppose. But that's not important.  
  
Kel: Look at my pony and me! *Photographer takes the picture at the exact moment Kel sneezes*  
  
Teacher: Shouldn't you re-take that?  
  
Photographer: Yes. Who's next?  
  
Teacher: Aren't you going to re-take Kel's picture?  
  
Photographer: No. Why would I?  
  
Teacher: Because she sneezed.  
  
Photographer: I know. Who's next?  
  
Teacher: *Sighs* Dom.  
  
*Dom skips forward happily wearing a big pink frilly dress*  
  
Onua: Monesouir, Copper Island white, Corus holey, Ka-  
  
George: You look funny!  
  
Dom: *Pouts like a four year old* Do not! Mommy says I look pretty in this dress!  
  
Neal: Hello? You're mom is dead! (AN: I dunno if she is or not, but for purposes of this fic, she is)  
  
Dom: That's what Madame Lulu said on the Physic Hotline!  
  
Photographer: *Twitches* Smile...kid.  
  
Dom: *Grins hugely* good?  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Teacher: Cleon's up now.  
  
Cleon: No foods. No smiles.  
  
Maddy: I'll be in the picture too!  
  
Cleon: Still no smiles from me!  
  
Raoul: I shall tell you a story to make you happy. It's called Rapunzel.  
  
Jon: Oh! I love this one! *Huggles his blanky*  
  
Raoul: Once upon a time there was a happy little girl named Rapunzeligitarrogarigari. It was hard for some people to say that though, because they had speaking disorders so everybody just called her Rapunzel. When Rapunzel was young she was captured by and old and ugly witch. The witch locked her away in a tower.  
  
The witch was also very poor. She didn't have enough money to buy scissors, let alone afford professional haircuts, so Rapunzel's hair grew very, VERY long.  
  
Oh, and I forgot to mention the prince. He was very handsome and very rich. Rapunzel liked him. In fact, she liked him a lot. In fact, she- anyway, everyday the prince would climb up Rapunzel's abnormally long hair and get into her room. Needless to say, once he was up there, stuff happened.  
  
Dom: Hehehe! Stuff! Stuff!  
  
Alanna: What stuff? Like office supplies?  
  
Raoul: Let me finish, insubordinate fools!  
  
Kaddar: Big words. I don't understand the big words.  
  
Raoul: As I was saying. Stuff happened. Then one day the witch discovered all of this and was disappointed that she was missing out on this sex action just because she was old and ugly. She devised a plan. She snuck into Rapunzel's room and chopped off all of her hair with a potato peeler. Then she gagged Rapunzel and locked her in a closet.  
  
When the prince showed up the next day he climbed up the hair that the witch had saved and discovered that it wasn't his beloved by an old and ugly lady! The witch forced him to sign something, and the something turned out to be a marriage contract. Too bad for Princey. And Rapunzel. But it's OK! The witch was happy, right? The end!  
  
Teacher: That was touching. *Points to Cleon* Now hurry up and smile.  
  
*Maddy, who is sitting on Cleon's lap whispers something in his ear, and Cleon is instantly happy*  
  
Photographer: Good boy! *Takes the picture*  
  
Teacher: Raoul, it's your turn.  
  
*Raoul runs up followed by Buri*  
  
Photographer: Smile!  
  
*Buri tackles Raoul the second the photographer takes the picture*  
  
Teacher: Yeah whatever. They had their chance. Now is Joren.  
  
*Joren floats over*  
  
Liam: Hey! I'm the big ghost on campus here! Find your own school!  
  
Joren: Bring it on old man!  
  
Liam: It's already been brought on, ugly!  
  
*Joren and Liam begin to bitch-slap each other as if their arms started at their elbows*  
  
Teacher: Just take the picture  
  
*Joren shoves Liam into the wall, which he goes through, and smiles hugely as the photographer takes the picture*  
  
Teacher: Yeah, OK!  
  
Photographer: I pray that that's it?  
  
*Teacher turns around and cackles insanely*  
  
~*~  
  
Next up, people who I didn't do, or forgot to do! I won't remember them so you'll have to remind me in reviews! Just say who ever you want, preferably somebody who I haven't already done! Review please! FASTER! I don't have all day, you know! Just kidding!  
  
Luv,  
  
LadyKnight 


	4. Don't pet the rabid animals!

It's Picture Day In Tortall *Chapter Three*  
  
~*~  
  
Disclaimer: I'm dead. I can't disclaim. Hahaha! Fooled you!  
  
Voice in background: If you don't disclaim soon you're gonna be!  
  
Disclaimer: *Laughs nervously* Right. The characters belong to Tamora Pierce, not me. Which should be extremely obvious.  
  
~*~  
  
OK, this is people who I forgot who were in the Alanna books, next time the Daine books and then the Kel books. Like, no way! Enjoy!  
  
~*~  
  
Photographer: I'm scared.  
  
Neal: Don't worry, she normally doesn't do it for long.  
  
Teacher: *Stops cackling* OK, kiddies! *Evil grins*  
  
Alanna: *Runs by stabbing at invisible enemies* REE REE REE!  
  
George: *Whispering* Be afraid. Be very afraid.  
  
Neal: Huh? Why?  
  
George: *Glances around nervously* She's *freaky music plays* PMSing.  
  
*Everyone screams and/or gasps*  
  
Daine: SO AM I! *Cackles insanely and begins whacking at random people with a Encyclopedia Britannica*  
  
Kel: Whoa! Like, small, like, world, like, isn't it? Me, like, too! Totally!  
  
Numair: You aren't yourself Kel.  
  
Wyldon: That's because she's PMSing, kumquat, she just said that.  
  
Numair: I don't understand. Does not compute, does not compute, does not compute, does not compute, does no-  
  
*Raoul walks up casually and knocks Numair unconscious with a Goku action figure*  
  
Maddy: GOKU! It's my hero! *Clubs Raoul with a high-heeled shoe and steals the Goku action figure*  
  
*A bunch of people poke their heads through the door, well actually they open the door first, then they poke their heads through*  
  
Thayet: We're here for pictures!  
  
Teacher: *Freaky tone* Yes, I've been expecting you. *Twilight Zone music plays*  
  
Neal: *Pointing to a girl* I don't know you. You aren't from Tortall!  
  
Girl: Am too! I'm Liney!  
  
Gary: She's kinda odd.  
  
Liney: *Runs around in circles* Am not! *Runs into the wall* Owwies!  
  
Maddy: Hey, that's my thing, foo'! *Whacks Liney with her newly-acquired Goku action figure*  
  
*Liney retaliates by slamming her Vegeta action figure into Maddy's arm*  
  
Cleon: *Standing on the desk* I'm gonna jump! I'm gonna jump!  
  
Kel: No! Cleon! You'll hurt yourself.  
  
Dom: Yeah, you might die, wait...actually, go right ahead, Cleon!  
  
Cleon: AHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Yuki: You haven't jumped yet.  
  
Cleon: Oh yeah. *Leaps off of the desk*  
  
*Cleon lands on the photographer's head*  
  
Photographer: Oof! *Massages his head* Just tell me who's next.  
  
(AN: YEY! My favorite song's on! *Bobs head along with the tune* HOLD ME NOW! I'm six feet from the edge and I'm thinking, maybe six feet-ain't so far down! *Dances around wildly* OK, it's over, back to the story)  
  
Teacher: Coram and Maude are next.  
  
Coram: Why do I 'ave to be 'n a picture with tha' *shudders* worker of *more shuddering* evil.  
  
Maude: I resent being called such an undignified thing as "worker of evil" you could at least call me a witch, as that's what I am!  
  
Coram: Oh, OK, sorry.  
  
Maude: Accepted.  
  
Teacher: Just get on the stool.  
  
*Coram and Maude fight for the stool but in the end Maude wins and Coram has to stand behind her, unfortunately they were both hurt in the battle and Coram has a black eye and Maude has a cut lip*  
  
Coram and Maude: Ow. Pain.  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Onua: Big cheese, little cheese, fat but not tall cheese, short but not fat cheese, tall and fa-  
  
Teacher: Gary's next.  
  
Gary: NO! That background's gray! It won't match my beauteous eyes! Never will you get me on that stool! NEVER! *Gary runs out of the door, screaming like a lunatic*  
  
Jon: *Massaging the huge bump on his head* He'll be back. Trust me, he'll be back.  
  
Teacher: If you'll go get him.  
  
Jon: Sure. *Looks at George and Raoul* You guys want to come with?  
  
Raoul: Sure.  
  
George: Oh, fun. *Cackles*  
  
*Jon, Raoul and George walk out side and loud screams and scuffles can be heard through the door*  
  
Liney: Violence is not the answer!  
  
Maddy: What?! We're having a test! George Washington! 78! The Mississippi river!  
  
Liam: What's all that?  
  
Maddy: How should I know?  
  
Liam: I don't know.  
  
*Jon, Raoul and George come back in dragging Gary who is bound and gagged, they prop him up on the stool*  
  
Photographer: Say cheese.  
  
Gary: Mrfff roof mroow froo! (He actually said "Go to hell, all of you!" but who could tell?)  
  
*Photographer takes the picture and Jon unties Gary, who runs of sobbing*  
  
Cleon: I don't have to put up with this! I'm hungry! I'm going to the cafeteria! *He tries to open the door but it doesn't work*  
  
Maddy: Cleon, hun, let me try. *Walks up to the door and stands a few feet in front of it* OPEN SESAME!  
  
*Nothing happens*  
  
Maddy: Well, I've done all I can do.  
  
Roger: You morons were turning it the wrong way! *Snarls* Geniuses.  
  
Maddy: Wow! You really think so! Wow!  
  
Roger: No, moron, I was being sarcastic.  
  
Cleon: *Dejected* Oh.  
  
Numair: *Still unconscious* Uhhh...*A huge flash of light goes off and Numair wakes up*  
  
Liney: Look, everybody, it's people popcorn!  
  
Numair: Where am I?  
  
Teacher: A gods forsaken hellhole.  
  
Numair: Oh, I'm at school still?  
  
Photographer: Who's next?  
  
Teacher: Myles and his wife, Eleni.  
  
*Myles and Eleni walk up*  
  
Eleni: I'm a bird!  
  
Myles: No, you're a human!  
  
Eleni: Well, you're just a big poop head.  
  
Myles: OK.  
  
Photographer: Smile.  
  
Myles and Eleni: OK! *Both smile happily*  
  
Photographer: Thank you for speeding this up by half a second.  
  
Thayet: My beautiful complexion and I are next right?  
  
Alanna: Say that to my face, ugly!  
  
Thayet: Beg pardon, 'Lanna?  
  
Alanna: *Froths*  
  
Teacher: Don't pet the rabid animals. You're next, Thayet.  
  
*Thayet flounces over to the stool*  
  
*Photographer starts drooling*  
  
Jon: Hurry up woman! Stop flouncing! And you *points to the photographer* stop looking at my woman!  
  
Thayet: This "woman" is you're wife!  
  
Jon: Shut up, woman!  
  
Rould: Daddy!  
  
Jon: Shut up, brat!  
  
Thayet: But honny!  
  
Jon: And you!  
  
Thom: Mood swings, major!  
  
Jon: I heard that!  
  
Photographer: *To Thayet* Smile!  
  
Thayet: Is this a good smile? *Huge grin* Or this? *Smaller grin*  
  
Photographer: Whatever! I don't care!  
  
Thayet: But I don't understand! Do you like this one? *Huge smile*  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Thayet: *Starts to cry* I wasn't ready. *Her eyes fill with tears*  
  
Teacher: Too bad. Go away.  
  
*Thayet runs off*  
  
Teacher: Last is Thom.  
  
Thom: What? I'm not gay!  
  
Teacher: *Gasp* Did I say you were?  
  
Thom: No thanks, I already ate.  
  
Teacher: Are you OK?  
  
Numair: Oh, he's fine, he just got in a little spell accident at the University. He'll be fine in a few days.  
  
Thom: Oh yes, I do love fish.  
  
Photographer: Smile!  
  
Thom: Wow, I'm flattered!  
  
Photographer: Say cheese.  
  
Thom: What? Rancid breath! I'm so sorry!  
  
Photographer: Sagua no in espanyol.  
  
Thom: Oh, OK! *Gives a huge smile*  
  
*Photographer looks astonished and takes the photo*  
  
Teacher: COFFEE BREAK!  
  
~*~  
  
Hehe! That was insanely fun to write! I'll update soon! I promise! In the meantime, please review! *Puppy dog eyes* You will, wont you?  
  
Luv,  
  
LadyKnight 


	5. But Kirby's don't just attack, do they?

Tortall Is A Spork  
  
Me: Somebody fix that!  
  
It's Picture Day in Tortall  
  
Me: Thank you.  
  
Disclaimer: Tortall is a spork.  
  
Me: OK? Whose lame-o joke is this?  
  
*Jon shuffles forward*  
  
Me: Well, let's see what happens when we take that spork and shove it into your eye! *Insane giggles*  
  
*Jon screams and runs away*  
  
Me: OK. That's taken care of!  
  
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Tamora Pierce, not me. Which is pretty obvious and I shouldn't have to tell you!  
  
~*~  
  
Liney: *Holding a cup of coffee and bouncing around insanely* What is this stuff? Huh, huh, huh? What is it?  
  
Photographer: *Sipping the coffee with his pinky out* Coffee.  
  
Cleon: *Also hopping up and down like a lunatic* Where'd you get it?  
  
Teacher: Colombia.  
  
Maddy: *Bouncing off the walls, and getting severely hurt* We should go there, it's the best! Can we go there now? Can we? Huh? Huh?  
  
Gary: You gave them coffee? You should have known better!  
  
Teacher: I didn't think they'd actually drink it!  
  
Maddy: Hey! Look a lifesaver!  
  
Numair: That's a key ring.  
  
Maddy: *Pop it into her mouth and starts chewing* Too bad!  
  
Teacher: Coffee break is over...NOW!  
  
*Everyone suddenly becomes un-hyper*  
  
Teacher: Ok let's see *looks on a huge list of names* Yolane and Tristan are up now.  
  
Tristan: But I'm dead!  
  
Yolane: And me! Actually, I might be in prison, I don't remember exactly.  
  
Teacher: Do I look like I care? *There is a sticker on the teacher's forehead that reads "I do care about everyone" but she quickly tears it off* Do I?  
  
Tristan: No?  
  
Teacher: I don't care. Now sit!  
  
*Tristan plops down on the ground and begins to bark*  
  
Maddy: I love this game! *Starts to bark then runs out into the hallway in pursuit of some imaginary squirrel*  
  
Teacher: Will SOMEBODY please go get her? *Grabs Cleon and Liney who are having a tea party and drags them outside* FETCH!  
  
*Cleon and Liney look casually at the teacher and stroll along the hallway discussing politics and the weather*  
  
Photographer: You two just smile.  
  
*Yolane and Tristan smile just as Maddy runs in dragging a huge string of sausages in her mouth and tackles the photographer, causing him to only get Tristan and Yolane's feet in the picture*  
  
Photographer: Oh well. Easy come, easy go. *Sigh*  
  
Teacher: OK. Tkaa's turn.  
  
Tkaa: Don't make me hurt you.  
  
Teacher: *Cowers* OK, never mind, you don't have to go. You know what, you can have a free block the rest of the day! Sound good?  
  
Tkaa: Yes. *Strides off*  
  
Maude: I wish I could do that.  
  
Coram: No! *Screams and cowers in a corner*  
  
Cleon: Let's play house! I'll be the telemarketer! *Picks up the phone* Seven, one, three, seven, six, nine, zero. *Into the phone* Hello? Is this the Pizzaria? Yes. I'd like to order. I'll have 22 large pepperoni pizzas, 3 medium cheese pizzas, 6 orders of cinnasticks, and 4 liters of soda. *Puts his hand over the mouthpiece* Do you guys want anything?  
  
Neal: I'll have a pizza, or seven!  
  
Cleon: *Into the phone* Make that-HEY! He hung up on me! What horrible service!  
  
Raoul: Are you sure it was the Pizzaria?  
  
Cleon: Positive, because when they picked up they said "Hello, McTharty residence."  
  
Owen: What does that have to do with pizza?  
  
Raoul: No, no, he's got a point.  
  
*Kel, Daine, and Alanna run by whacking people with graduated cylinders*  
  
George: You should wipe your feet off before you come inside! *George is wearing an apron, a bandana on his head and is holding a feather duster*  
  
Jon: *Starts chanting* George is a girl, George is a girl!  
  
George: I am? *Looks around* Really! My dreams are fulfilled! *Dances around the room happily*  
  
Daine: *Sickly sweet tone* What's your great ambition, Numy?  
  
Numair: To become the world's most powerful mage. Haha, wait, I've already done that! What's your greatest ambition.  
  
Daine: To hurt you. Severely. Come here.  
  
*Numair screams and runs around Daine follows waving a sharpened pencil and cackling like a lunatic*  
  
*Alex walks in, in a leather jacket and leather boots and his hair all slicked back*  
  
Teacher: *Tapping her foot* You're late again, Alexander.  
  
Alex: Cool your jets, teach. I'm fashionably tardy.  
  
Teacher: Not a good enough excuse.  
  
Alex: Aw, kiss my ass.  
  
Teacher: Alexander! Mind your tongue!  
  
Maura: *Glomping onto Alex* You're cute.  
  
Alex: Thanks! *Slicks back his hair*  
  
Maddy: *Chewing on a graduated cylinder that Kel had dropped* Nope, not edible.  
  
*Neal checked something off on a piece of paper and ran away muttering*  
  
Teacher: *Sighs* Maura, you're next.  
  
Maura: Can Alex be in the picture with me?  
  
Teacher: *Bashing her head against the calk board* Sure. Whatever.  
  
Maura: *Dances around happily* Celebrate good times, come on! Anyway, Alex, tell me about you.  
  
Alex: Well, I have a short attention span and I-*Alex gets a glazed-over look in the eyes and walks away*  
  
Maura: Dude.  
  
Photographer: I'm saying. Anyway, smile.  
  
*Maura frowns*  
  
Photographer: Good, now just stand on your head.  
  
*Maura does a flip*  
  
*Photographer takes the picture about halfway through so it looks like she's standing on her head*  
  
Photographer: Good enough. Who's next?  
  
Teacher: Brokefang and the rest of the wolf pack.  
  
Photographer: *Shudders* Wo-wo-wo-wolves?  
  
Kaddar: No, wolves. I've never heard of wo-wo-wo-wolves before.  
  
Liam: Neither me.  
  
Roger: Yes! I finally beat you! I win! I win!  
  
Alanna: Well then!  
  
Neal: Can I have my Playstation back now?  
  
Roger: I won on it! Just so you know. It's sacred now.  
  
Alanna: Shut your pie hole, Mr. Cocky!  
  
Neal: Sacred, ay? *Giggles evilly then smashes the Playstation with a mallet that appeared out of nowhere*  
  
Roger: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!  
  
Onua: Behold, the power of cheese.  
  
Liney: *Runs by screaming* THE KIRBYS! THEY'RE ATTACKING! RUN FOR THE HILLS!  
  
Teacher: What? But Kirbys don't just attack, do they?  
  
*Maddy rushes by chewing on a calculator*  
  
*Cleon takes the calculator and starts chewing on it himself*  
  
*Maddy shrugs and grabs a piece of chalk to chew on*  
  
Thayet: Which color?  
  
Kel: Pink. It, like, totally, like, matches your, like, eyes!  
  
Thayet: Really?  
  
Kel: Yes. Like, all the way!  
  
Thayet: Thanks, Kelly-Welly.  
  
Kel: You're welcome Thayet-Wayet.  
  
Teacher: OK, are you going to take a picture of the wolfpack or not? I think they're getting angry!  
  
Photographer: Where are they. *Shivers*  
  
Teacher: In their cage.  
  
Photographer: Phew, they're in a cage.  
  
Teacher: Well, we don't want metal bars in the picture. You have to go into the cage, silly.  
  
Photographer: No way! No way in hell I am going in there.  
  
*A few moments later the Photographer walks out of the cage completely scratched and bitten up*  
  
Photographer: Odd, I don't even remember going in there. I hope I took a picture.  
  
Myles: Has anybody seen my key ring?  
  
*Maddy hides behind Dom*  
  
Alex: Hey, homies, are you going to get my picture or not?  
  
Teacher: No.  
  
Alex: Good, because a picture would totally screw up my rep.  
  
Dom: Five, four, three, two, one!  
  
Everybody except for the photographer: RECESS! YEY!  
  
Photographer: Huh?  
  
~*~  
  
Riddle: Did you like it? I liked it almost as much as I like FISH.  
  
Razzmatazz: That's nice. Shut up. *Begins to clean her paws*  
  
Frizzle Frazzle: Hey Alianora, it's over, wake up.  
  
Alianora: What? *Yawns*  
  
Cleon (the cat): Hey, all you reading this, Maddy wants you to review. She told us to tell you, because she's inosmosis or something.  
  
Wishful Thinking: It's indisposed, moron. Honestly, you're worse than Riddle.  
  
Spork: Nobody's worse than Riddle.  
  
Riddle: Hey!  
  
Razzmatazz: Anyway, please review!  
  
*All the cats purr loudly*  
  
Luv,  
  
Razzmatazz, Frizzle Frazzle, Spork, Riddle, Alianora, Wishful thinking, and Cleon 


	6. COOTIES!

It's Picture Day in Tortall  
  
Disclaimer: The...um...plot belongs to...um...Samurai Purse?  
  
Me: *Sighs* It's the characters belong the Tamora Pierce.  
  
Disclaimer: *Holds it's head* I am so confused!  
  
Me: *Shoves the disclaimer into a freezer and bolts the door closed* That takes care of that! *Wipes disclaimer germs off on her pants*  
  
Disclaimer: *Muffled* Help!  
  
~*~  
  
Photographer: Recess? Oh no! I'll just, um, stay here.  
  
Dom: Suit yourself, dude, but recess rocks!  
  
Maddy: RECESS! *Runs for the door* YEY! *Smashes into the wall* Oh no! Teacher, teacher! The door is gone! Someone has stolen the door! We're trapped! We're all doomed! Help!  
  
Teacher: Ah-hem. *Opens the door, that is a few feet to the left of Maddy*  
  
Maddy: Oh, oh yeah.  
  
*Everybody files outside in a big blob*  
  
Kel: *Dejected* Thayet, look at me. I'm big, strong and ugly. I'll never be a model!  
  
Thayet: You know, you're right.  
  
Kel: No! You're supposed to say 'no way Kel, you're smart and funny, and really pretty. Plus everybody loves you. Kel, YOU ROCK!' That's what you're supposed to say.  
  
Thayet: I'm not allowed to lie. My mommy says it'll make my beautiful complexion disappear and my nose will get pointy.  
  
*Kel goes away to pout under the monkey bars*  
  
Gary: I wanna be the king!  
  
Raoul: I wanna be the king!  
  
Jon: Well I wanna be a fairy named Bertha!  
  
George: No! I already called that job! *George is wearing a pink dress and a nametag that says 'hello, my name is BERTHA'*  
  
Jon: *Bursting into tears* No f-f-fair! MOMMY!  
  
Liam: *Walks up* Yes, Jon darling. Mommy's here.  
  
*Jon screams bloody murder and runs like hell*  
  
Liney: Haha, you run like a girl!  
  
Liam: How am I supposed to comfort my son when he's running away from me like that? *Sniffles* A mother's job is never done.  
  
Alanna: *Doing the Macarena* One banana, two banana, three banana, FOUR!  
  
Buri: Banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana!  
  
Alanna: Yes Buri, but it's only a song.  
  
Buri: Banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana!  
  
Teacher: Raoul! Come get your wife! She's scaring the children.  
  
Raoul: No! You keep her! I don't want her!  
  
Neal: *Bawling on the ground* MOMMY! That lady's scaring me!  
  
Liam: Another son needs me?  
  
Neal: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! *Runs away to cower under the monkey bars with Jon*  
  
Buri: Banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana banana!  
  
*Myles sighs and shoots Buri with an arrow that has sleeping draft on it*  
  
*Buri stops mid-banana and falls over, asleep*  
  
Teacher: Thank the gods.  
  
Owen: Yeah that was weird, but I have more pressing matters! I can't get the stain out of my hose! *Begins to smash the hose in question with a spiked club*  
  
Cleon: Stop! We aren't barbarians! We have things designed for this! *Pulls out a bottle of "Shout"*  
  
Owen: Oooh, ahhhh!  
  
*Cleon begins to bash the "Shout" bottle on the spot*  
  
Owen: I'm not sure if that's how you do it...You look kind of like you're mentally ill...  
  
Cleon: I'm not an idiot! I'm not retarded! I know a lot about being mentally retarded and that is one thing that I am n--*Cleon completely freezes and begins to drool* Uhhhhh...  
  
*Owen snaps his fingers a few times in front of Cleon's face*  
  
Cleon: --ot! Thank you very much. *Walks by and trips over Buri* IT'S A DEAD BODY! *Screams high-pitchedly and runs around in circles*  
  
Buri: *Waking up* Uhhh. What happened?  
  
Cleon: IT'S ALIVE!  
  
Teacher: No no! It's just Buri. It's OK? Wait, no it's not! RUN AWAY!  
  
*Soon everyone is cowering under the slide except for Buri who is frothing madly and rampaging around the playground*  
  
Teacher: Hm, it's slightly stuffy under here.  
  
Alex: Hey Teach, your elbow is poking my groin.  
  
Teacher: Yuck! *Spits on her elbow in attempt to clean it* Cooties!  
  
*Photographer stumbles out of the school*  
  
Tristan: Uh-oh Spaghetttio.  
  
Liney: I ABSOLUETLY LOVE THAT SONG! *Sings all eight versus of the Spaghettio national anthem*  
  
*Neal pats Liney's head and inches away slowly*  
  
Cleon: HERMAN!  
  
Neal: AHH! The morons surround me! Help!  
  
*Everyone blinks in unison, except Maddy who is happily eating a dog biscuit*  
  
Photographer: Hellooooooo? Is anybody here? I think recess is over! Oh, hello Buri. You have white foam around your mouth. Did you-OH MY GODS YOU'RE RABID! I'M IN HORRIBLY GRAVE DANGER!  
  
*Everyone under the slide flinches as there are sounds of mauling coming from the area where Buri and the photographer are*  
  
Daine: *Waving her fist* Bears are People too!  
  
Numair: That has nothing to do with anything.  
  
Daine: Pumpkins are People too!  
  
*Numair sighs*  
  
Teacher: You guys think we should make a run for it since Buri's busy?  
  
Kel: Like, somebody, like, has to, like, protect me! Like, OMG!  
  
Thayet: *In agreement* Like OMG, OMG!  
  
Kaddar: I'll protect thou and thoust fair bosom!  
  
Kel: Like, that's, like, my boobs, like, perv!  
  
Roger: *Using his magic* I will finally kill Alanna! Once and for all! *Blasts Alanna with his orange Gift*  
  
Alanna: *Falls over before the magic even gets close to her* I give up!  
  
Roger: *Whispering to Onua* What do I do now?  
  
Onua: Please, sah, may I have some more cheese?  
  
Roger: You're weird. *Turns to Maude* What do I do now?  
  
Maude: Marry me! I will be your queen. You're awfully sexy...*Stares at Roger and starts to drool, creating a puddle around the slide*  
  
Roger: Uh...COOTIES!  
  
Raoul: How about a story to pass the time?  
  
All: NO!  
  
Maddy: Yes!  
  
Raoul: I'll take that as a definite yes from all of you.  
  
*Everybody sighs except for Maddy who cuddles against Cleon to get comfortable*  
  
Cleon: Ow! That's my eye!  
  
Maddy: *Pointing to her nose* And this is my nose! *Points to her feet* And these are my toes!  
  
Raoul: SHUT UP!  
  
*Silence*  
  
Raoul: OK, it's called Cinderella.  
  
*Jon hugs his pet, Ferdinand, the dictionary*  
  
Raoul: Once upon a time there was a girl named Cinderella. She was very smart and very kind, but she was extrememly ugly. There's a little something you should know about ugliness. Well, there's ugly, dog ugly, and hog ugly. Cinderella was dung ugly.  
  
George: *Whispering* Is that possible.  
  
Raoul: Both Cinderella's mother and father died, so she was put in the care of this lady and her two daughters. The mother and daughters were perfectly nice, and perfectly lovely. All around great people to be with. Cinderella HATED them. There was only one thing she hated more than her ugliness, and it was them.  
  
Every day, when Cinderella awoke, she walked over to the mirror, broke it, and went into town to buy a new one for six gold nobles from a vendor who lived in the cellar, somehow he had gotten a hold of millions of these mirrors and Cinderella kept him in her basement so he could, well, vend them to her.  
  
One day, when Cinderella woke up and looked in the mirror, she found it did not shatter! She had apparently gone through puberty and was now a fine looking young woman. She was so happy that she absolutely had to run downstairs and show the man in the cellar.  
  
On her way down the stairs she tripped and fell on her head, killing her. The man in the cellar never got freed and her stepmother and stepsisters never used those stairs anyway so Cinderella was never found. The end.  
  
Teacher: Uhhh...  
  
George: THAT WAS THE MOST EMOTIONAL STORY THAT I HAVE EVER HEARD!  
  
Jon: Please leave, I'm having a moment.  
  
*Maddy snores and rolls over*  
  
Liney: DAMN GIRL SHOULD HAVE SET THE DAMNED MAN FREE! *Starts mumbling about inconsiderate fools*  
  
Photographer: Help...*Twitches*  
  
*Buri gives off a war cry and rushes off to terrorize the watching pedestrians*  
  
Dom: It's now or never! *Rushes off to the school, the rest of them following*  
  
*Liam grabs the Photographer as they pass him and slings him over his shoulder*  
  
~*~  
  
I hope you liked it! Took me a while to write it. OMG I MET TAMORA PIERCE! *Screams and runs around* She came to my school! *Hyperventilates* Yeah, anyway, she's got a lot of new books planned and it sounds really cool! Email me if you MUST have details on the books, Tammy's personality, whatever...Oh, one more thing, I'm not going to write another chapter until I have 100 (Yup, the big three digits) reviews, so R&R!  
  
Luv,  
  
LadyKnight 


	7. I told you no more rubber cement!

It's Picture Day in Tortall  
  
Disclaimer: By golly, it is!  
  
Me: *Blinks* And now it's time for you to disclaim. Duh.  
  
Disclaimer: Huh?  
  
Me: You're name is Disclaimer. You're supposed to disclaim. It's the entire meaning of your meaningless life. Duhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh Hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh -  
  
*So much more 'uh' that the old disclaimer got tired of waiting, and they had to hire a new one*  
  
New Disclaimer: STOP 'UH'ING ALREADY!  
  
Me: -hhhhhhhhhhhh *chokes* OK.  
  
New Disclaimer: The characters belong to Tamora Pierce, not me.  
  
~*~  
  
Dom: *Panting and barricading the door shut* Phew. She can't get us as long as we don't open the door.  
  
Photographer: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! I'm stuck in here forever!  
  
Teacher: You haven't even finished your job!  
  
Photographer: *Pouts* Fine. Who's next.  
  
Teacher: Owen, mah laddy!  
  
Owen: I ain't your laddy!  
  
Alanna: *Mumbling* No, you're a lady.  
  
Owen: Ah!  
  
Kel: Ha!  
  
Cleon: Hey! That's the same two letters only in reverse!  
  
Teacher: What? But...? Where did you come from?  
  
Cleon: Well, I was born in Kennan, several years ago. I was a baby when I was born, a boy baby. My mom gave birth to me. And one time...  
  
Teacher: No, I mean just now.  
  
Cleon: Uhhhhhh...SALAD! *Screams and rushes off*  
  
Photographer: This is so weird. Anyway, you Owen, sit on the stool and smile.  
  
Owen: I have jolly no jolly problem jolly with jolly smiling jolly for it jolly expresses jolly jolliness!  
  
Jon: No shit, Sherlock.  
  
Owen: That was jolly well not jolly nice!  
  
Photographer: Smile kid.  
  
Owen: *Huge smile* Jolly?  
  
Photographer: *Takes the picture* One more step closer to retirement. NEXT!  
  
Wyldon: *Skipping up in a goldy-locks wig and a maroon dress* I'm next!  
  
*Everybody sweatdrops like anime characters*  
  
Wyldon: What? Like, why don't you like me! *Bursts into feminine tears* Nobody likes me! You all think I'm ugly!  
  
Teacher: Please don't cry.  
  
Photographer: Smile so I can take a picture of your, um, beautiful face. *Barfs*  
  
Wyldon: *Perking up* OK!  
  
Photographer: *Takes the picture* This is so weird.  
  
Neal: I can't get the stain out of my hose! *Begins to smash the hose with a club*  
  
Cleon: Stop! We aren't barbarians! We have things designed for this! *Pulls out a bottle of "Shout"*  
  
Neal: Oooh, ahhhh!  
  
*Cleon begins to bash the "Shout" bottle on the spot*  
  
Neal: I'm not sure if that's how you do it...  
  
Cleon: Of course I am! I'm not an idiot! *Cleon completely freezes and begins to drool* Uhhhhh...  
  
Teacher: I told you not to eat any more of the rubber cement, Cleon!  
  
Cleon: It wasn't me! *Points at Maddy*  
  
Maddy: *Eating the rubber cement, bottle and all* Yummy.  
  
Teacher: Oh, well that's OK then! Goddess and Mithros are up now.  
  
Mithros: *Pulling a lacy breastband off of one of his gleaming swords* GODDESS! You have to stop leaving your stuff around!  
  
Goddess: sorry, Mithy dear. Won't happen again.  
  
Mithros: *Trying on breastband and examining himself in a mirror* Sure it wont.  
  
Goddess: Hey! Stop that! It's mine!  
  
Mithros: *Wide-eyed* No! It's mine! Mine, I tell you, MINE!  
  
Teacher: *In shock* You guys are up.  
  
Mithros: Why didn't you say so? *Doesn't take the breastband off*  
  
Liney: You might want to lose the bra, dude.  
  
Mithros: MINE! NEVER SHALL WE PART!  
  
Photographer: As long as you smile, I don't care if you cancan on top of a television wearing nothing but a tea towel while singing the Tortall national anthem.  
  
*Jon walks away from the TV looking dejected and pulling up his tea towel*  
  
Photographer: Maybe I do mind...but just smile anyway.  
  
Goddess: I en't gonna smile till I gets my breastband back!  
  
Daine: *Mauls Mithros and gets the breastband* Here you go. *Hands it to the Goddess*  
  
Goddess: Yey! *Smiles*  
  
Mithros: *Frowns* Mean head.  
  
*Photographer takes the picture anyway*  
  
*Suddenly three people, two tall and one short, appear in the doorway, after of course, hacking it down with swords, axes and arrows*  
  
The Short Redhead (Could he be related to Alanna?): This doesn't look like Mordor...  
  
A Tall Guy: Last time we take directions from you, Gimli!  
  
Gimli: Sorry! *Sarcastic* You think I should follow your manly instincts Legolas?  
  
Legolas: I have FEMININE instincts dude. Don't get your pantyhose in a bunch.  
  
Aragorn: *Dancing around and singing* Leggy is gay! Leggy is gay!  
  
Legolas: *Shoots at Aragorn and misses* Take that!  
  
*The arrow hits Thayet*  
  
Thayet: I'm, like, dying, like! Nooooo,--like--oooooooo! *Dies*  
  
*Everyone parties*  
  
Gimli: Why are we partying again?  
  
Aragorn: I don't properly know.  
  
Maddy: Can I borrow your sword?  
  
Aragorn: Um, OK!  
  
Maddy: Thanks! *Takes the sword and tries to eat it*  
  
Aragorn: Oh my!  
  
Maddy: *Bites a huge chunk out of the sword, which turns out to be Styrofoam* This is good.  
  
Legolas: So that's why you were so talented. Because your sword was made out of, like, foamy stuff. *Waves his hand around so that his pink fingernail polish would dry*  
  
Wyldon: Great color, hun.  
  
Legolas: Totally!  
  
Teacher: Anyway, Jump is up now!  
  
Jump: Meow!  
  
Faithful: Woof!  
  
Teacher: That's not weird. It didn't happen. It didn't happen. It didn't happen. *Chants about it not happening*  
  
Onua: *Singing* Cheese, cheese, the magical dairy product! The more you eat the more you fix the duct!  
  
Photographer: Since they're animals, they can't smile! So I'll just take a picture! Haha, I win! *Takes the picture and is mauled by Jump and Faithful* Owwies.  
  
Legolas: Like, ha! Like, ha!  
  
Teacher: That's everybody! Wow! I thought we'd never get through it all!  
  
*Buri runs through the door, still rabid*  
  
Everybody: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!  
  
Aragorn: Wait, why are we yelling?  
  
Gimli: She's rabid fool!  
  
Aragorn: Ooooh!  
  
~*~  
  
Did you like it? I hope so! I don't know how many more chapters I'll be doing of this so...enjoy it while you can! Hehehe. Review please! *Big sparkling anime eyes* Please?  
  
Luv,  
  
LadyKnight 


	8. Five years until retirement

It Be Picture Day In Tortall. Woohoo *waves little flags around sarcastically*  
  
Disclaimer: Well, you see, the thing is that OW...SHIT!  
  
Me: *Exasperated* What's the matter now?  
  
Kel: Nothing's wrong! Nothing! Don't come back here!  
  
Disclaimer: HELP! Eek!  
  
Me: *Walking behind the scenes where the disclaimer is* What the...? *Kel is holding a raised glaive and standing behind the disclaimer*  
  
Kel: Bua ha, ha!  
  
Me: OI! Can I get the griffins back here!  
  
Kel: *Runs away* AHHHHHHH! NO!  
  
Me: *Brushing hands together* That takes care of that. Now I believe that you were speaking, my dear disclaimer. *Maniacal laughter*  
  
Disclaimer: *Inching away* Heh, heh. Right. I was SAYING that the characters from the Tamora Pierce books belong to *gasp* TAMORA PIERCE. Never would have figured that out, would you have, ace?  
  
Me: Also, see the bottom for the rest of the disclaimers. *Has a coughing fit and dies* *Revives* Yes, mesa been sick. That's why I haven't updated. Yeah, blame it all on the sick. -_-  
  
~*~  
  
Buri: Grrr! *Froths*  
  
Daine: Mommy!  
  
Teacher: She's dead!  
  
Daine: Ah yes. What's for supper?  
  
Liam: Anchovy pie. A personal favorite sent in by Bertha Jones of Inner Carthak. Let's all give a round of applause for miss Jones.  
  
Cleon: Well, I could really do with some chili.  
  
Liam: I haven't got any chili. Just anchovies. And pie.  
  
Cleon: How's that chili coming, Liam? I can't believe how much I want it.  
  
Liam: I DON'T HAVE ANY CHILI, FOO'!  
  
Cleon: Oh. Well, in that case I'll just have chili.  
  
*Liam explodes with frustration*  
  
Liney: Again! Again, again, again!  
  
Aragorn: Arg?  
  
Gimli: Arg.  
  
Legolas: 'Arg' is so, like, last season! Now, like, everybody is, like, totally saying 'ar.' Get with, like, the program! Totally! *Hair flip*  
  
Maddy: *Muffled because she's crammed in a corner and squished* I think if we shoot that flagpole with a laser beam made of potatoes, tiny mirrors or sequins and glue we can knock Buri unconscious.  
  
Kel: Whoa! Are you felling all right?  
  
Maddy: Teacher! Teacher! My head's stuck in the pickle jar again!  
  
Kel: Yeah, you're all right. Where are you, by the way?  
  
Maddy: Crammed in a corner and being squashed to itty-bitty bits by somebody's ginormous flub.  
  
Photographer: You leave me and my weight problem out of this!  
  
Buri: Hey! I'm rabid over here! What are ya'll gonna do about it? Bua ha ha! I can rule the world!  
  
Jon: Why don't we just shoot her with this? *Pulls out a heavy duty tranquillizer gun he bought at The Dollar Store*  
  
Raoul: As it's my wife I advise against the use of such heavy artill-SHOOT HER! *Chants* Shoot, shoot, shoot, shoot!  
  
Jon: Oh boy!  
  
Gun: Uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh  
  
Buri: Ahh--*slumps over*  
  
Raoul: Did you really have to shoot her that many tim-AGAIN! Shoot her again!  
  
Teacher: Now Jon, you should see counseling. Raoul, you should see the mental hospital. I have their number.  
  
Maddy: I know that number! *Quickly dials some number on a telephone that has appeared out of nowhere*  
  
Phone: Welcome to the Psychiatric Hotline! - If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. - If you have multiple personalities, press 2, 3 and 4. - If you are manic-depressive, it doesn't matter what number you press. Nobody will answer. Nobody cares. - If you are paranoid delusional, we know who you are AND we are out to get you. Just stay on the line while we trace your call. - If you are anal retentive, press 1, 5, 6, 8 and the # simultaneously, while standing on one foot and hopping.  
  
Liney: I love that one! Can we call Madame Crackers at the physic hotline next?  
  
Photographer: Can't we just take the stupid picture? There's only the class picture left! Then I can leave this hellhole.  
  
George: *Gasp* He said hell! He's a bad, bad man!  
  
Alanna: Shut up, bastard.  
  
George: You're mean! I'm telling on you! Teacher, teacher!  
  
Teacher: Five years until retirement. Fire years...  
  
Neal: Big words! What does five mean? What's five? Who's five? Do I know him?  
  
Aragorn: Mufasah is coming for your souls. He's coming. Coming...RUN!  
  
Cleon: NOOOOOOOOOOOO! Protect me! *Hides behind Owen*  
  
Owen: Poor jolly dude. *Pats Cleon reassuringly*  
  
Legolas: Well, we really have to be going! Ta!  
  
Gimli: Bye.  
  
Aragorn: Bye.  
  
Legolas: Toodlepip! Tata! Au revoir!  
  
Maddy: Yeah...French toast, Eiffel Tower, burrito.  
  
*Legolas, Aragorn and Gimli dissaperate*  
  
All: Neato!  
  
Numair: I've never seen anyone do that so well!  
  
Maddy: Yeah, well, I've never plucked a rooster, and I'm not too good at ping-pong, and I've never licked a sparkplug-no that's a lie.  
  
Cleon: So? Well, I've never kissed a chipmunk, and I've never bathed in yogurt, and I've never painted babies on a great big rubber ball!  
  
Liney: Ha! I can beat that! Well, I've never sniffed a stinkbug, and I've never walked a gangplank, and I don't look good in leggings, and I've never been to Boston in the fall!  
  
Myles: I've never eaten a dictionary.  
  
Jon: You don't know what you're missing, man.  
  
Kel: On the day I got my first tooth I had to kiss my great aunt Ruth. She had a beard. And it felt weird. *Shudders*  
  
Roger: Ten days after I turned eight I got my lips stuck in a gate. My friends all laughed and I just stood there until the fire department came and pried the gate open with a crow bar and my lips came out all swollen and I had to spend the next seven weeks in lip-rehab with one other boy named Oscar who got stung by a bee right on the lips and we couldn't even talk to each other until the sixth week and when Oscar did speak it was only in Polish and I only know three words in Polish, except now I know four because Oscar taught me the word for lips; Usta.  
  
Neal: That beats the crud out of what I was about to say.  
  
Alex: Once I ate an entire glue stick.  
  
All: *Gasp*  
  
Photographer: I once killed an entire class because they wouldn't shut up and let me take their stupid class picture! Damnit!  
  
Daine: I think he may be hinting at something, but what could it be?  
  
Onua: Guess what's back? Back again? Cheese is back. Tell a friend.  
  
Jon: You're a weird one all right. Maybe you should-  
  
*Tkaa comes flying out of the sky and lands on Jon, squashing and killing him before we could figure out the rest of what he was going to say*  
  
~*~ Hell~*~  
  
Thayet: Yes! He's, like, dead!  
  
Liam: Now I can beat him up!  
  
Jon: Why are you guys so mean? Wahhh! Mommy!  
  
Liam: I'm not your mother, boy!  
  
~*~  
  
Teacher: Well, at least he's with his mother now.  
  
Liney: Yeah, he and Liam were always really close.  
  
Photographer: Can I just take the class picture before you ALL die?  
  
Teacher: Yes, yes. Line up so the nice photo-man can take your class picture.  
  
Wyldon: I'm so, like, photogenic. Why didn't I come up with this idea sooner?  
  
Owen: Because you're jolly crackers?  
  
Neal: Crackers? WHERE? I WANT CRACKERS!  
  
Kel: And cheese.  
  
*Photographer takes the picture*  
  
Everybody: WHAT? *And they proceed to maul the photographer who is trying his hardest to get out of the door in one piece*  
  
~*~  
  
Did you guys like it? Sure hope so. It sure took me a long time. *Phew* How exhausting. *Takes a nap and watches Lord of the Rings for the millionth time* I'll write more soon unless I get distracted. *A random bug crawls by* WOW! *Becomes increasingly distracted*  
  
Oh, and those extra disclaimers you're all so crazy about. Here they are...  
  
Disclaimer one: The psychiatric hotline does not belong to me. I actually copied the answering machine thing from one of my friend's IM away messages.  
  
Disclaimer two: The whole ten days after I turned eight I got my lips stuck in a gate is part of a Veggie Tales song and thereby belongs to the Veggie Tales production studio.  
  
Disclaimer three: There are a few random things in there that belong to Jonny Bravo.  
  
There! Don't forget to review!  
  
Luv,  
  
Kitten of Insanity 


End file.
